uber far from zenith

Maybe I was born to live a lonely life. Well.. Maybe not. But most of the time I feel so out of line, so unloved and so far from what I yearn for.

I'm the type of person who comes into a room and gives off a vibe that I don't care much about what's going on around me or that I don't care about what you do or if you like me or not.. But the truth is.. I do. I care a lot for everyone around me. I care about their activities, their attitude towards me and towards other people. It's just that I'm too scared to get into the business.

We are social animals. Some are happy even with only one friend, some need more than one and some need more than the number of friends we expect them to have. I'd be happy even with only one friend. The thing is.. If ever I 'd have only one friend, I might require him or her to spend most of his or her time with me. I secretly tend to need a lot of attention.

More often than not, the people I cherish don't value me the same way. I can't blame them though.. They have their own lives, right? ..and so I end up lonelier by the minute. And I try to quench my thirst with other stuff like the internet, drinks and food which don't quite fit into the keyhole. Gets?

Moreover, exams are coming up and I have to pull my grades up desperately. Help me.

And if you are not aware.. My phone's busted. Text me something with your name in it for identification purposes. I have no plans of replying if I won't be able to recognize you from your text messages. Oh crap. Nobody texts me anyway.

And if you think I'm kidding about my depression.. I'm not.

08.17.09

The One That Got Away
Mark J. Macapagal (The Manila Times)


In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with...and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it's that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little nice ties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequentials become dealbreakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come.

Hopefully you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about. You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?"

That's what the one that got away is, the biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that you're already with the one you're with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it.Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright. It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens... Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing. But if neither of that is the case, then it's different.

What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple...find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder, what if you got that one? Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away." You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference.

If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."


---

Ooh La La. Nice work man. :)
Now, I'm off to write a speech! :D :D :D

08.12.09

Hindi ko alam kung bakit pa ko nagbloblog. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi na ko nagugutom. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ako makaconcentrate sa klase. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nalulungkot ng sobra kapag nagawa ako ng something na related sa acads. Hindi ko alam kung bakit tinatamad na ko pumasok. Hindi ko alam bakit ako nagtatanong ng paulit ulit sa sarili ko kahit na alam ko naman na yung mga sagot sa ganung mga tanong. Hindi ko alam kung dapat pa ko magtaka kung bakit ganito ako ngayon. Hindi ko alam kung bakit nakakarelate ako sa nararamdaman ni Ichi. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ang haba ng sinusulat ko tapos puro "Hindi ko alam.." and simula. Hindi ko alam.

Gusto ko sigurong magsorry ngayon sa mga taong hindi ako lubusang kilala. Kasi most probably, hindi talaga nila alam kung sino ako. At akala nila kilala na nila ako kasi yun ang pinaparamdam ko sa kanila. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ko pang sabihin itong mga to.

Ang lakas ng ulan. Parang yung tibok ng puso ko lang.. Ang lakas. Kinakabahan kasi ako. Yun nga lang.. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako kinakabahan.

Today was suppose to be something special.

08.11.09

*Restarting*

Kala natin naka-off na. Bubukas pa pala uli. Rerestart nga 'di ba?

Nawala kasi sa isip ko na possible pa pa lang magkaroon ng restart button sa buhay ko. Nadali tuloy ako. Kaso nawala din sa isip ko na may virus comp ko at kapag nirestart ay hindi na matuturn-off. Eh paano kung kailangan ko magsave ng kuryente? Either papatayin ko kasi 'di ko ginagamit or gagamitin ko para 'di sayang kuryente. The only other way is to grab the cord and pull the plug out.

..but then. That would kill the computer. :(

What's up tomorrow? A lot. Sadly, I have no idea what to do. :(

08.10.09

Get a grip. It's all about balance. Life can never be how you imagine it to be. It can actually be compared to a balloon. You see, one moment - it's all nice and charming.. The next thing you know, it's either blown away by that certain strong wind or it's already dead.

Btw, saya today. Went back to Munti to watch a movie and to give Ate Mayne's invitation to Mark. :)

Ichiii. Where art thou? :(

08.09.09

Life is unfair. Just when you thought you got ahead of everyone else, you'll get to see how being the last one is the best thing ever. And suddenly, your ego plummets downwards, accelerating so fast that you miss out on the good stuff that might appear while you're still ahead. And then you stop, letting them get ahead. Then you realize that a group of smart people already have what you've always wanted while they were behind you. And then you try to run after them, you try so hard to get what they've taken from you. And suddenly you're too late. And you cry so hard that you trip because you weren't looking and you cry some more.

The worst part is, you realize that it's all your fault. And what's even worse than that is that you can't do anything apart from running after them and crying your heart out.

08.08.09

Sometimes ineffable joy enables us to write about one of the lowest points in our life. It hurts a lot this time around but I guess the worth of someone really expounds exponentially as every day passes by. Scary as it may seem but I think I'm ready to plunge into this deep end. But hey.. Everyone has their limits, right? I hope my patience won't run out and my pride won't burn this contract to ashes.

And hey, limit yourself up to the extent in which you think I can handle. If you go over that limit.. I think we can consider it over. Remember, it's impossible to do something without you even thinking about it. Everything we do are products of whatever our desires are.

I'm wasted. Empty without the this eerie presence of you watching over me. Helplessly into wherever this may lead to. Help me.